An open letter to the lovely person(s) who drilled a hole in my gas tank to siphon fuel today

angry funny animal

Dear Sir(s) or Madam(s),

I want to sincerely thank you for taking the time out of your undoubtedly busy schedule to drop by 24 Hour Fitness on the first day I’ve graced its presence in a month. I just knew it was a red letter day. I can’t describe to you my surprise and delight at being paged overhead during my last walk/study session before the start of the biggest exam of my life this Thursday. That giant puddle of gas you left in the parking stalls surrounding my car? Simply genius work.

I especially want to thank you for requiring me to call the fire department and bring out four of our city’s finest to inspect the damage. Did you know AAA won’t tow a car until the gas tank has been assessed and patched by the fire department? I am sure they had nothing better to do than fiddle with my vehicle today. Oh and they say thank you for hitting that apartment complex around the corner yesterday. Those people were especially pleased, too.

Did I mention how great it was to pay for a tow truck and spend two hours waiting for the police to come and take my statement? I thought it was particularly thoughtful of you to choose the side of the building without video cameras so my report makes just about no difference whatsoever. I just cannot wait to see my shiny new gas tank! I’m sure the dealer will give me an excellent price. And thank you, truly, for doing this at the gym where I got to spend three hours sitting in sweaty workout clothes. That part took the whole experience to a new level of outstanding.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy that less-than quarter tank of gas you ripped off. I’m certain you’ll use it to go far in life.


P/S Next time you might consider a car with a larger gas tank than the compact Corolla. Just saying.

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