I’ll see your lipids and raise you a PSA

What follows is a rendition of an actual conversation this morning. Numbers have been fabricated to protect the innocent.

Mr. T: “Okay, CBC. What do you got?”

Me, pulling up yesterday’s blood work results: “Ready?”

T, with his numbers: “Ready.”

Me: “White blood cell count… 5.7”

T: “8.4. Ha!”

Me: “Damn. Red blood cell count… 4.26”

T: “5.2. HA!”

Me: “Basophil… 0.”

T: “0.”


Comparison continues for MCV, MCH, MCHC, RDW, Neutrophils, Lympocytes, Eosinophils, etc. etc. When we move on to the metabolic panel, I pull demonstrably ahead in the areas of Glucose, Creatinine, and Potassium. We tie on BUN. And no, no one in this house knows what those terms actually mean.


Me, wiping laugh tears from my eyes: “Total cholesterol… 192.”

T: “150. I WIN.”

Me: “Triglycerides… 100”

T: “78… I WIN.”

Me: “HDLs… 74.”

T: “55… I WIN.”

Me: “YOU WISH. That’s the good cholestrol. I WIN.”

T: “Well, what’s your PSA then???”

If sitting down and comparing lipid profiles and CBC panel results isn’t middle aged marital bliss, I don’t know what is.

Happy Friday, ya’ll.


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