Whoa. This morning Facebook reminded me that The Bluest Muse turned 12 yesterday. (And yes, I missed it. Again.) Twelve whole years of deep thoughts but mostly other things. Twelve years and 12 million life changes in between.
I remember creating this space a dozen years ago just a few days before heading to Cactus Land to start my doctoral program. Blogging was quite the thing in 2009 you know. I remember cultivating close bonds with other writers, following each other’s content (I still miss you, Google Reader!), posting all of the time (especially when I should be working), and stoking dreams of minor internet fame (thank you for that, BlogHer).
Since then I’ve watched the blog wilt a little. Mostly I blame the general busy-ness of life. That I kept up writing so much during my doctoral program still astounds me, but from diss-land on, it became harder and harder. Those years on the job market, then commuting, then on the tenure track, and then book writing left precious little extra time for penning posts. And during the pandemic lockdown and virtual work? Forget about it.
But I’ve missed it. So much! Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think “That’s a blog post.” And I know I’ve said that before. Every year when I write my new year’s goals, I say I’m going to hone my writing practice and get back to regular blogging. And then I just don’t.
While time is still a factor–work and life never slow down, do they?–I’m realizing fear and vulnerability are playing a big role. I used to feel confident in my voice and ability to take a stand, even if it was a silly one. Lately though, I’ve felt the need to stay quiet and careful. Part of it was being on the tenure track and not wanting to court scandal. (Though I realize most of my content here is quite tame, you never know!) And part has been, I don’t know, not wanting to put myself out there and deal with a more public existence. To be judged for my silly content. To be judged for my serious thoughts. To be judged period. (And yes, this comes DIRECTLY from watching other women academics take a rash of crap for having the audacity to be female and smart and opinionated in public.)
But, I’ve missed it. I’ve missed sharing and commiserating and creating for the sake of creating, and not because I have to for work. And so, my goal for this next year, before this blog becomes a dang teenager, is to revive the spark and do some musing a little more often.